As I met with her teacher, she told of how Kaylie is an amazing artist and that the entire class tells her so all the time. At those times, she sees such confidence and pride in Kaylie. But if Kaylie ever wants to tell her teacher something, especially about someone hurting her or another, she's won't look the teacher in the eye, keeps her head bowed, and mumbles. She's afraid. Her teacher last year really wasn't kind, or a good teacher at all. She learned to be afraid to talk to grown-ups about hard things. I have wondered what things I have done to foster that fear - although, it's rare for her to avoid eye-contact or mumble with myself or Jordan.
I came home hurting for my little girl. For the loneliness she must feel every day, especially at school. It makes total sense now why she begrudges Braden his alone time, and always wants to be near me.
That night my dreams were vivid, and awful. I dreamt that someone was taking our children (all children) and killing them, much like King Herod did in the Bible. The killed my little girl right in front of me, then moved to do the same to my boys. I plead for their lives, and for some reason, they left them unharmed for me. But heart broke and I sobbed for my little girl. I actually woke up sobbing, and scared, and having a hard time breathing. I couldn't shake the realism that the dream gave me, and I couldn't stop crying. I cried and then I began to pray. I prayed for the Lord to take the dream and those awful feelings away. I slowly felt peace coming back to me, and was able to shake those feelings. Then I went into the bedroom where all three of my babies slept. I desperately wanted to hold my daughter, and my boys, and smell them and know that they were okay. Instead, not wanting to wake them, I carefully touched her brow, tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed her head. She breathed deeply, a sign that all was well.
It still took me a little while to calm down and feel that I could sleep. My mind went to our friends, who lost their beautiful 4 year old daughter last year to a heart defect. I realized that I could suddenly, just barely begin to understand how they must be feeling. I thought of Lehi and Sariah - in my scripture reading I'm in first Nephi where they send their sons back to Jerusalem. It talks about how Sariah was so worried about her sons, and they were gone for several months! I thought of all the parents who have ever lost a child. And now, I think about our Heavenly Father, who went His Son to die for all of us. He watched as His Son, who created this world, was tortured and killed by those he made it for.
In His plan, we are given families, and trials, and our goal is to return back to Him. As a mom, I have struggled so much with being the mom that I wanted to be. I am impatient, unkind, hurried, and selfish. I often see my kids as burdens more than blessings. They make it hard for me to do "my work".
Yesterday, I saw this on Pinterest:
I have been going about my life as a mother all wrong. At times I may have done better, but right here, right now, I'm doing it wrong. I'm worried about packing, keeping the house clean, crafting, young womens, Jordan's family, my family, my friends and their struggles, the news, the governement, the newest episode on my favorite shows...so many other things that are distracting me. How often have I told my kids to wait to talk to me - I'm busy reading or watching or doing?
And so, thus begins my new blog. I want to remember who I am and what I am here for. I want to look at my children and see them as they truly are: Sons and Daughters of our Heavenly Father. He loves them, he loves us, and I want to see them through His Eyes. I want to cherish the silly giggles and faces and idiosyncrises the have. As we were at the grocery store the other day, Kaylie was holding onto the cart and skipping along side me (I was hurrying a bit). She was so happy just to be with me, and happy to be there, and happy to be alive. It was a beautiful moment; one I don't want to forget.
Today I will begin to see my children through His eyes - and love them as they deserve. I will treat them with respect. I was thinking about how they were valiant and elect Spirits in Heaven - reserved to come to earth at this time. Because they were righteous, and willing to come to earth at the time of war - the war between good and evil has never been stronger or more awful. They are here as warriors, and I need to respect those Spirits that made them worthy to be those warriors in the latter-days. I want to look for and recognize the personality traits that can be nurtured to help them be fighters. They will need to be headstrong and stubborn to fight the adversary. But I need to help them know what is right and prepare them to be those amazing Spiritual Warriors.