Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter

Today is Easter. It has been a day full of energy, and sunshine, and food. We stayed up late to watch Netflix, which wasn't the smartest thing, so we had a hard time waking up. The kids found their Easter baskets and were excited to tell us about them. We made a strong effort to focus on the REAL reason for Easter, and so they got chocolate and candy, but they also got a scripture board book, and picture of Jesus, and an art pad. I really wanted to try and get a good family picture, but it didn't work out well. The kids weren't happy to be taking pictures, and that made me grumpy. So...the pictures look staged and unhappy. Which was accurate. :( I hate that I let it make me so upset, and the way I talked to the kids was awful. Way to ruin the Easter Sunday.

Because of all that, we were late getting to church and had to sit at the front.  Not too big of a deal, but the kids were restless and grumpy and tired. Braden fell asleep after complaining that he had a headache and felt dizzy. After a decent sacrament meeting, I took him home to get some medicine and rest, then we headed back out.

I've heard several times (mostly from Mom) that it takes at least a year to be able to really settle into a ward/neighborhood. I need to be patient, and look for ways to serve and reach out to those around me. I need a friend, and I'm lonely. I still really feel like I just don't fit in here. I've sat alone every Sunday in every meeting, unless Jordan is there. I try to talk to the sisters, but not often does anyone initiate conversation with me.

After church, we hurried to my parents house for an Easter dinner. Heather and Greg and their kids (except of course Elder Willits!) have been there for a few days to visit. It was good to visit together, and it was a good time. Mom had a little Easter egg hunt for the kids, which of course they loved, and then we headed home.

Something is really working on me, and I'm having such a hard time right now. I feel down, sad, lonely, and grumpy. Yesterday I went with Ashleigh to Ikea. It was fine, fun even, sometimes. I realized that we have so little in common; I wonder so often why we are friends. It's hard because we have such different views on so many things. She is very supportive of me when I am struggling, but mostly when it means that I get grumpy, swear and get mad. She's always on my side, which is great, but it also means that I feel like when I'm around her, I'm not my best self.

And right now, I feel such a pull to becoming my best self. But I also feel such a strong pull to say "to heck with it all" and live the way that is easiest. I can tell that Satan is aware of me, and my righteous desires, and he is working so hard to discourage and frustrate me.

I've had the thought many times in the last several years that I might need to homeschool my kids. And lately, it's constantly on my mind. But I am scared to death! I can barely handle my kids right now - how on earth can I be a full-time homeschooling mom?! I'm not a great mom - I'm so impatient and unkind and selfish. But I don't want to be! One of the speakers today talked about how we can become better, through the Atonement, and have a real change in us. That's what I want, but I don't know how to do it. It's terrifying because what if I fail? What if I don't change, and can't change and I'm stuck being this version of me...the version that isn't who I want to be? I don't know how to become different. My family doesn't even like me now - I'm dull, too serious about things they think are not (should not be) important. Trying to change might make them dislike me even more.

But I want to believe that I can become that person that I want to be. I want to be the person who makes everyone feel good just to be around; the person who radiates the Spirit; who is kind and loving and compassionate and looks for the best in everyone.

I feel like there are times where that person is there. Yesterday I felt great about the way I looked. I felt beautiful. And so I smiled at everyone. I was courteous and patient and confident. And people noticed me and smiled back, and stopped to compliment me and talk to me. Last week at the temple several people complimented me and told me what a beautiful person I am. So...it's got to be in me...right? Is that why my family doesn't like me? Because I prick their consciences? (Unknowingly) Because they are conscious of their shortcomings when they see my strengths?

I don't know. I just know that I'm having a hard time. And I want to find answers and a way out of it.

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