Sunday, May 25, 2014

One month later....

Here I am, a little over a month later, and I am feeling the exact same way. Honestly, I'm grateful that I have a strong testimony of the Gospel, not so much of the church, because the church - the people in the church - make it so hard to want to stay active.

I realized again that being alone is something Satan is using against me. As I read through the last post, I felt as though all the same things could be said in this post. I'm so discouraged, and down, and since the beginning of the month, there've been things happen that gave me courage, and helped me believe it was going to change. And then when it all goes back to nothing, it hurts even worse.

If I do not talk to anyone at church, no one acknowledges me. Bobbi sat me at least, but that was it, and when the class was over, she left without saying a word to me. I keep telling myself that something is going on in her life, that has nothing to do with me, but that is keeping her from reaching out as she once did. She seems withdrawn, and yet, I notice it most with me. Mindy also seems friendly on the surface, but it feels just that way - on the surface. And no one else reaches out or even says hello. Of course, Lindee is becoming a friend, but she's in Primary, so I rarely see her.

I'm also struggling so much because I don't feel well. These supplements that Dr Frogley has me on are killing me. Well, I guess that technically they are helping, but it feel like the opposite. I've gained 6 lbs in the last 4 weeks, and inches, too! My pants aren't fitting, I'm constantly bloated, constipated, and hurting. I feel awful because I feel like I look awful. So my self-confidence is taking a hit.

And because I really needed something else to stress me out, last Monday, my aunt Rachelle called and wanted to talk to me about something. She has been part of a group, but she wouldn't tell me specifics, that she wanted me to join. It's a group of ladies who are all over the nation, and they either have special gifts, or are trying to develop special gifts. Gifts like Cathie Sampson - who can communicate (???) with the other side of the veil, people who do energy work, vibration, etc... Not everyone is LDS, nor even Christian, but all women. There are 3 "circles" and as you advance in the circles, the potential to receive "gift money" increases. But the idea isn't to get money, apparently, it's more to share gifts and camaraderie. Rachelle kept saying that she's felt impressed to share this with me for several months, but she's been scared to because she's afraid I'd think her crazy. But she and grandma, aunt Verlene, and Cathie are part of the groups. I guess after you advance to the 2nd circle, then you are eligible to receive phone calls. In the calls, people share and teach you their gifts. She said it's been such a healing thing for her, and brought her closer to Heavenly Father, and that she thinks it would be such a wonderful thing for me, to heal and grow, because I'm "awake". More than most.

Being "awake" apparently means that I'm more aware of the things going on in the world...and she wouldn't specify, but I'm sure she means that she thinks I'm more open to different ideas. Which, I am, but not that would go contrary to the Gospel.

The biggest thing about all this that upsets me is that she says they keep it secret. But "not secret because it's bad, but because it's sacred". I don't see this as a sacred thing, and so I see it as secret. And Satan works in secret. Her husband and kids don't know, and my mom doesn't know, and she was concerned that I'd tell them; she even suggested that I pray about it, and then consider telling my husband, if I felt it was necessary. I don't keep things from my husband (other than my somewhat unhealthy addiction to Tom Hiddleston that comes around now and then!). :D

And she says that it's brought her closer to Heavenly Father, and built faith, but I also know that she and my grandma, and Cathie, have big issues with the leadership of the church. Specifically the prophet. They don't go to church all that often, (I think Rachelle does, but the others are inconsistent at best) and do not attend the temple often. So...it's good, they say, but it's seems to be replacing the essentials of the Gospel, and it's supposed to be secret. I also think that there is a lot more to it, but she's not telling me.

Anyway, I felt very uncomfortable about it, and prayed and still felt very uneasy. After 5 days of stewing about it, I finally called her and told her thank you so much for thinking of me, but I didn't think it was for me. She was understanding, and kind, but obviously let down. It worries me for them. But it comforts me that I could see it for what it is, and not get sidelined by it.

But again, after today at church, I wonder - What is wrong with me? Why am I not making friends, or feeling like people aren't interested in knowing me? I'm not sure if it's even about me at all, or just that they are all happy in their comfort zones, but either way, I feel the need to again reevaluate where I am in life, and what I'm focusing one, and how I present myself. I know that I am working to be the best me, to bring the Spirit more in our home, and to teach the Gospel to our family, but I need to be more humble, prayerful and searching.