Monday, August 25, 2014

Not getting better yet

In fact, yesterday was a monumentally bad day. I told Jordan that I wanted to tell the Bishop to "F*#@ off"...wow. I've NEVER felt that so strongly about someone, and never about a bishop. I'm still trying to decide if it's valid, or if I was just totally out of control.

First, I need to insert a little story about my grandma. Because I don't have enough stress or depression, she called me on Friday and we talked for 2 hours. Remember how Rachelle called and wanted me to join their "group"...? Well, grandma is a part of that as well. And they are both so sure that I'm more "awake" and so they can talk to me openly and freely about their true feelings. My grandmother basically came right out and said that she's going down a road that most consider to be apostasy, but she considers it to be the right, "true" road. She said that she can honestly get a temple recommend, because she's sure that Pres. Monson was called of God; "the people get the Prophet they ask for. So they've gotten a Prophet for the people - letting them do what they want, and not correcting." Something like that. She's sure that he's going to be leading the majority of the church astray, and that he's not listening to God, but whispers from the other side. (!!!!!!!!!) Then, saying that the rest of the leadership is corrupt, otherwise we wouldn't keep having bishops like mine (who are complacent, or lazy, or just don't care), and that is why she doesn't come to church any more. Then she launched into the temple films, and how they've changed them to say that we'll be loyal to the Church instead of the Savior, etc. Holy cow, I just about had a breakdown. It's just all too much! But she's saying this to me because she thinks that's where I'm going, and she wants to help me keep going there!

So after that total and complete disaster of a call, I just felt awful and distressed and ready to just give up!

A few weeks ago, Dave Richter (2nd counselor) came over and asked if I would accept the calling of 1st counselor in the Primary. My head was *screaming* "NO!" but I've never said no, and so of course, despite my inner feelings, I said yes. I've regretted it ever since.

My first primary pres. meeting was so overwhelming and I came home and cried for half an hour. It's just one meeting after another, and then they've gotten all excited about Missionary meetings, so we have those too, and weekly visits for missionary opportunities, and baptisms coming up and meetings for those, and visits before those, and on and on and on. And on top of all that, teaching Sharing time once a month, and then planning for the primary program and oh yeah, there's a full-day scout training on the 13th that I am supposed to go to and.... GAHHHHHH!!!!!

I've struggled so much with this, and finally came to the conclusion that I need to tell them that I cannot do the calling. They haven't even set me apart for it, so it shouldn't be a huge deal...right? (insert eye roll here)

After crying off and on for days about it, and finally saying a prayer asking if it's ok to turn down the calling, and getting a peaceful feeling about it, I decided to tell Katie that I can't do it. We had our presidency meeting, I felt awful and sick and grumpy through the whole thing, I asked her if we could talk after. As I started to tell her that I'm just having a horrible time, I started bawling. I do not cry in front of people. I just don't. At least not since a few horribly embarrassing times in high school (which usually involved boys, or more often, my witchy mom). I was so embarrassed to be crying to her, but told her that I am just so overwhelmed with so many things going on in my life, that I just can't do the calling. In a moment of insanity, I did tell her that I'd be willing to play the piano in primary (since they need someone desperately), and probably because I was hoping that would lessen the blow.

She seemed to understand and accepted it, and gave me a hug, told me it's okay, and I left. I went to bed feeling a heavy dose of mormon guilt, but also a sense of peace.

The next day, Katie showed up, wanting to talk. She told me how she couldn't sleep all night, worried about me, wanting to help, etc. (Really, just trying to figure out how to convince me to keep the calling, I think) She said that I haven't been set apart, and she's sure that will take away the burden and stress of it. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with not being set apart, that it's all the meetings, the responsibilities, and really, my depression is not getting better yet. She said they could just step in and cover for me for now...I told her that would just make me feel worse and horrible for not just "getting better". She reluctantly accepted that, and left.

Sunday, I made sure we were late, and sat in the very back. I sat there, recalling the words to a Tenth Avenue North song called Losing. About forgiving others, and that you don't need an apology to be able to forgive, etc. I'm so irritated at the Bishop and his lack of concern, and easy "It will be okay" attitude. I want nothing to do with him, and do not want to meet with him and don't even want to go to church. Grrr....

Jordan came with me and we sat observing Primary at the back. It was weird an awkward, as I was supposed to have done sharing time, but haven't even been to Primary, and was in no place to do it, so Dana taught it. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. At the end, Katie came an sat by me, saying that she'd gone to tell the Bishop all that I'd said, and talk about it. He told her that he won't release me right now, and handed her a talk to give me - told me to read that and he'll talk to me in the next week or so. The talk is about how to not feel overwhelmed and handing it all to Christ.

I came home and BLEW UP!! He has NO CLUE what I'm having a hard time with, and seems to just be guessing and grasping whatever he can.  After the conversation with my grandma, this was NOT what I needed! He wouldn't just come talk to me, he sent someone else to give me a talk, and assume that he knows exactly what my problem is! And fine, if he won't release me, that's his choice. But it's my choice to STOP GOING TO THIS WARD! And I'm ready to! I'm so beyond sick of him and everything about him.

You know, I guess the problem is that I'm a fine actress. Should've had a lead role in the musical. Cuz I can put out that I am fine, and be social and kind, and smile, but I'm dying inside! I'm fuming, I'm bawling, I'm a disaster. And since I put on such a good show, no one believes me. They think I'm just making it up because I don't want the calling or don't want to do whatever is being asked. Guess what? I've always done my best in all my callings. I've taken callings I didn't want to, I served a mission with the worst and hardest of companions, walked when I was dying with a kidney stone, stayed on a mission when I could've gone home. Stayed with my husband with a porn problem, even when a few bishops and councilors thought it ok to leave, and not only stayed, but continued to try and improve the relationship. I had a son with autism who threw 3 hour tantrums and I didn't hit him, or give up. I AM NOT A QUITTER!!! Okay? I am just at a point in my life where I need a break. I am down, depressed, I'm dealing with an abusive (emotionally - at least toxic) family, a ward I hate, a house I hate, I'm worried about my kids at school and all the Common Core crap and their ability to learn, we took out bankruptcy last fall, money isn't getting better, Jordan's job's been up in the air, constant critisism from my mother, a grandmother and aunt who are going apostate and recruiting me, a husband who is still struggling with his addiction, and DEPRESSION.

I really don't know what to do right now. I actually got online and found a place to move - right by Jordan's job, a beautiful house in West Haven for only $1200 a month. But to move, we'd have to break the contract with Dunkleys, lose our deposit, and find money for a deposit. Jordan won't do it, unless I completely lose it, which I'm not going to do just to get my way. If I didn't know the Dunkleys as well as I do, I'd totally do it. But I know they'd be upset, and I don't want to do that. And moving will cost so much money again. I'm willing to sell a lot of furniture to do it though! :(

Ugh. Just Ugh. And this weekend is the Willits Family Reunion in Richfield. We were supposed to go down Friday and Saturday; I totally fibbed and told my mom that Jordan had to work late on Friday. So then Grandma called and told me to come down on Saturday, and stay till Sunday. With no way to get out of that, I told Jordan last night that he is going to suddenly come down with the flu, complete with nasty diarrhea and vomiting. He smiled and said ok. He'll even put on an act if someone comes by to check on him. Sweet - got out of that one. Sad that I'm scared to go to a family reunion for fear of the apostasy recruiters.

Monday, August 18, 2014

I really don't know what to title this. Maybe something like "depression - it sucks", or "can I just go back to bed?". Honestly, this is going to be a downer post, but I need to have it here for reference.

The meds Dr. Frogley put me on really put me into a tailspin. I actually quit taking them after 4 weeks. I ended up gaining a few more pounds; today, I'm at 152.6 lbs. My skin is constantly breaking out, I hate the way I look. I'm so unhappy with my hair, even though it's growing out and is in a very short bob; I miss my long hair. Nothing fits anymore; my pants are so uncomfortable that I usually wear maxi skirts or dresses, or yoga pants. I don't know if I've ever felt so awful about the way I look in my life.

But that's just adding to the real problem. I'm so down and depressed. I have never felt to depressed for so long. 2 weeks ago it just hit me hard, and I spent the better part of a week in bed, sleeping, or just laying in bed. It was a good thing my kids were content to just watch tv. I cancelled going out with friends; I even texted the SS pres. 20 minutes before church to say that I wasn't going to come and couldn't teach Gospel Doctrine. It was supposed to be my last time teaching, as they just called me to the Primary presidency.

I hate going to church. It sounds so awful, but it's the truth. The bishop has no desire to help us or concern for our situation. before we moved, Bishop Richardson called and told him everything about our marriage, the addiction, everything. Asked him to please call us in, continue to work with us, and care for us, and help us continue to progress. Jordan went to him finally a month ago, before he was supposed to travel for work, and said that the bishop just didn't seem to care. Said that every man that travels struggles, and that he would be fine. (And he actually did fantastic for 5 nights; then he acted out the last night. But that's another post for another day.) I was so frustrated and disheartened and angry that the Bishop - who knows all about the struggles we're having and was asked to help us - really has no desire to help us. He hasn't really spoken to us since we moved in, and now, hasn't followed up with Jordan to see how the trip went, or anything.

I don't want to go to church. I don't want a calling. I don't want to talk to people. Mindy Richter has been consistently texting, and trying to get together. Sometimes we do; it's fine. I don't feel any real connection, and really, if she didn't initiate something, I wouldn't care either way. I honestly just feel like crap. I know I'm depressed, I know I should get help, but I don't want to. A few friends from playgroup know somewhat what's going on, but not really. Jordan sees it, and we've talked about it, but I know he's frustrated and not sure what to do. I refuse to tell my mom.

I cannot figure out why or how we felt like moving up here was the right choice. We really loved that house, the Bishop was amazing, I was enjoying my calling and we were making friends. The kids were about to change schools to West Clinton, and it was close by Jordan's work. I hate living in Cache Valley; we pay more for groceries, it's too close to family, I hate this ward, I hate this house, I miss my old house with the big tub and the nice appliances and the sunlight and all the windows and the big yard with working sprinklers and 3 bathrooms and a fireplace and the unfinished basement for storage and so many things. I miss Winco and Target and the close by shopping in Clinton and a Relief Society pres who cares and really loves me and a Bishop who does too and so so so much. Why did we feel so strongly to come here? Why did we move? We aren't saving much money at all - we keep paying more for things because we're here and gas is costing a lot with Jordan commuting. I hate that he has to commute. I hate worrying about him driving and being safe; especially when he has to stay super late or in bad weather. GAHHHHHHH!!! I AM SO GRUMPY AND ANGRY AND UNHAPPY!!!!!!

We just go back last night from 4 days up in Island Park with the Dawsons and Morgans. I really didn't want to go, but we didn't think we could back out. We probably should have. They carpooled together, so they were always together, and even at the cabin, seemed to exclude us a bit. Our kids were totally annoying and irritating to Grant, and their son Noah. The sleeping arrangments sucked, and with little sleep, I felt grumpier and more irritated than ever. We spent most of the time at Yellowstone, just to get away. That was actually pretty cool; our kids loved it and that made it worth it.

We've been trying to get into a van because we are so cramped in that stupid car, and we want a baby eventually, and can't have 6 in the car. But, our lawyer has been subpar at best, and the bank just told us that we have to have money down and a co-signer in order to get a loan. We have neither. I just feel like everything is going wrong, and I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into a well of depression. And I kinda don't care. Which kinda  frightens me, and kinda doesn't. I kinda just keep hoping it will pass.

I did find something a few weeks ago that I'm hoping will help; I saw an ad on LDS Meridan Magazine website that is for help with depression and mood disorders. It's called EMPowerPlus Q96 - is a vitamin/mineral combo that's supposed to balance out emotions and help with depression, bipoloar and other mood disorders. I've been on it for 8 days and I'm really hoping it starts to help. I don't want to go on an anti-depressant; the side effects are not worth it. But I know that I need something.

The kids start school in 3 days; that will help. Carter won't start until Sept. 1st though. Good thing we felt like homeschool wasn't for us right now. I hope that my family comes out of my depression ok - I do worry so much for them, but can't seem to do much about it.