Monday, August 18, 2014

I really don't know what to title this. Maybe something like "depression - it sucks", or "can I just go back to bed?". Honestly, this is going to be a downer post, but I need to have it here for reference.

The meds Dr. Frogley put me on really put me into a tailspin. I actually quit taking them after 4 weeks. I ended up gaining a few more pounds; today, I'm at 152.6 lbs. My skin is constantly breaking out, I hate the way I look. I'm so unhappy with my hair, even though it's growing out and is in a very short bob; I miss my long hair. Nothing fits anymore; my pants are so uncomfortable that I usually wear maxi skirts or dresses, or yoga pants. I don't know if I've ever felt so awful about the way I look in my life.

But that's just adding to the real problem. I'm so down and depressed. I have never felt to depressed for so long. 2 weeks ago it just hit me hard, and I spent the better part of a week in bed, sleeping, or just laying in bed. It was a good thing my kids were content to just watch tv. I cancelled going out with friends; I even texted the SS pres. 20 minutes before church to say that I wasn't going to come and couldn't teach Gospel Doctrine. It was supposed to be my last time teaching, as they just called me to the Primary presidency.

I hate going to church. It sounds so awful, but it's the truth. The bishop has no desire to help us or concern for our situation. before we moved, Bishop Richardson called and told him everything about our marriage, the addiction, everything. Asked him to please call us in, continue to work with us, and care for us, and help us continue to progress. Jordan went to him finally a month ago, before he was supposed to travel for work, and said that the bishop just didn't seem to care. Said that every man that travels struggles, and that he would be fine. (And he actually did fantastic for 5 nights; then he acted out the last night. But that's another post for another day.) I was so frustrated and disheartened and angry that the Bishop - who knows all about the struggles we're having and was asked to help us - really has no desire to help us. He hasn't really spoken to us since we moved in, and now, hasn't followed up with Jordan to see how the trip went, or anything.

I don't want to go to church. I don't want a calling. I don't want to talk to people. Mindy Richter has been consistently texting, and trying to get together. Sometimes we do; it's fine. I don't feel any real connection, and really, if she didn't initiate something, I wouldn't care either way. I honestly just feel like crap. I know I'm depressed, I know I should get help, but I don't want to. A few friends from playgroup know somewhat what's going on, but not really. Jordan sees it, and we've talked about it, but I know he's frustrated and not sure what to do. I refuse to tell my mom.

I cannot figure out why or how we felt like moving up here was the right choice. We really loved that house, the Bishop was amazing, I was enjoying my calling and we were making friends. The kids were about to change schools to West Clinton, and it was close by Jordan's work. I hate living in Cache Valley; we pay more for groceries, it's too close to family, I hate this ward, I hate this house, I miss my old house with the big tub and the nice appliances and the sunlight and all the windows and the big yard with working sprinklers and 3 bathrooms and a fireplace and the unfinished basement for storage and so many things. I miss Winco and Target and the close by shopping in Clinton and a Relief Society pres who cares and really loves me and a Bishop who does too and so so so much. Why did we feel so strongly to come here? Why did we move? We aren't saving much money at all - we keep paying more for things because we're here and gas is costing a lot with Jordan commuting. I hate that he has to commute. I hate worrying about him driving and being safe; especially when he has to stay super late or in bad weather. GAHHHHHHH!!! I AM SO GRUMPY AND ANGRY AND UNHAPPY!!!!!!

We just go back last night from 4 days up in Island Park with the Dawsons and Morgans. I really didn't want to go, but we didn't think we could back out. We probably should have. They carpooled together, so they were always together, and even at the cabin, seemed to exclude us a bit. Our kids were totally annoying and irritating to Grant, and their son Noah. The sleeping arrangments sucked, and with little sleep, I felt grumpier and more irritated than ever. We spent most of the time at Yellowstone, just to get away. That was actually pretty cool; our kids loved it and that made it worth it.

We've been trying to get into a van because we are so cramped in that stupid car, and we want a baby eventually, and can't have 6 in the car. But, our lawyer has been subpar at best, and the bank just told us that we have to have money down and a co-signer in order to get a loan. We have neither. I just feel like everything is going wrong, and I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into a well of depression. And I kinda don't care. Which kinda  frightens me, and kinda doesn't. I kinda just keep hoping it will pass.

I did find something a few weeks ago that I'm hoping will help; I saw an ad on LDS Meridan Magazine website that is for help with depression and mood disorders. It's called EMPowerPlus Q96 - is a vitamin/mineral combo that's supposed to balance out emotions and help with depression, bipoloar and other mood disorders. I've been on it for 8 days and I'm really hoping it starts to help. I don't want to go on an anti-depressant; the side effects are not worth it. But I know that I need something.

The kids start school in 3 days; that will help. Carter won't start until Sept. 1st though. Good thing we felt like homeschool wasn't for us right now. I hope that my family comes out of my depression ok - I do worry so much for them, but can't seem to do much about it.

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