Monday, August 25, 2014

Not getting better yet

In fact, yesterday was a monumentally bad day. I told Jordan that I wanted to tell the Bishop to "F*#@ off"...wow. I've NEVER felt that so strongly about someone, and never about a bishop. I'm still trying to decide if it's valid, or if I was just totally out of control.

First, I need to insert a little story about my grandma. Because I don't have enough stress or depression, she called me on Friday and we talked for 2 hours. Remember how Rachelle called and wanted me to join their "group"...? Well, grandma is a part of that as well. And they are both so sure that I'm more "awake" and so they can talk to me openly and freely about their true feelings. My grandmother basically came right out and said that she's going down a road that most consider to be apostasy, but she considers it to be the right, "true" road. She said that she can honestly get a temple recommend, because she's sure that Pres. Monson was called of God; "the people get the Prophet they ask for. So they've gotten a Prophet for the people - letting them do what they want, and not correcting." Something like that. She's sure that he's going to be leading the majority of the church astray, and that he's not listening to God, but whispers from the other side. (!!!!!!!!!) Then, saying that the rest of the leadership is corrupt, otherwise we wouldn't keep having bishops like mine (who are complacent, or lazy, or just don't care), and that is why she doesn't come to church any more. Then she launched into the temple films, and how they've changed them to say that we'll be loyal to the Church instead of the Savior, etc. Holy cow, I just about had a breakdown. It's just all too much! But she's saying this to me because she thinks that's where I'm going, and she wants to help me keep going there!

So after that total and complete disaster of a call, I just felt awful and distressed and ready to just give up!

A few weeks ago, Dave Richter (2nd counselor) came over and asked if I would accept the calling of 1st counselor in the Primary. My head was *screaming* "NO!" but I've never said no, and so of course, despite my inner feelings, I said yes. I've regretted it ever since.

My first primary pres. meeting was so overwhelming and I came home and cried for half an hour. It's just one meeting after another, and then they've gotten all excited about Missionary meetings, so we have those too, and weekly visits for missionary opportunities, and baptisms coming up and meetings for those, and visits before those, and on and on and on. And on top of all that, teaching Sharing time once a month, and then planning for the primary program and oh yeah, there's a full-day scout training on the 13th that I am supposed to go to and.... GAHHHHHH!!!!!

I've struggled so much with this, and finally came to the conclusion that I need to tell them that I cannot do the calling. They haven't even set me apart for it, so it shouldn't be a huge deal...right? (insert eye roll here)

After crying off and on for days about it, and finally saying a prayer asking if it's ok to turn down the calling, and getting a peaceful feeling about it, I decided to tell Katie that I can't do it. We had our presidency meeting, I felt awful and sick and grumpy through the whole thing, I asked her if we could talk after. As I started to tell her that I'm just having a horrible time, I started bawling. I do not cry in front of people. I just don't. At least not since a few horribly embarrassing times in high school (which usually involved boys, or more often, my witchy mom). I was so embarrassed to be crying to her, but told her that I am just so overwhelmed with so many things going on in my life, that I just can't do the calling. In a moment of insanity, I did tell her that I'd be willing to play the piano in primary (since they need someone desperately), and probably because I was hoping that would lessen the blow.

She seemed to understand and accepted it, and gave me a hug, told me it's okay, and I left. I went to bed feeling a heavy dose of mormon guilt, but also a sense of peace.

The next day, Katie showed up, wanting to talk. She told me how she couldn't sleep all night, worried about me, wanting to help, etc. (Really, just trying to figure out how to convince me to keep the calling, I think) She said that I haven't been set apart, and she's sure that will take away the burden and stress of it. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with not being set apart, that it's all the meetings, the responsibilities, and really, my depression is not getting better yet. She said they could just step in and cover for me for now...I told her that would just make me feel worse and horrible for not just "getting better". She reluctantly accepted that, and left.

Sunday, I made sure we were late, and sat in the very back. I sat there, recalling the words to a Tenth Avenue North song called Losing. About forgiving others, and that you don't need an apology to be able to forgive, etc. I'm so irritated at the Bishop and his lack of concern, and easy "It will be okay" attitude. I want nothing to do with him, and do not want to meet with him and don't even want to go to church. Grrr....

Jordan came with me and we sat observing Primary at the back. It was weird an awkward, as I was supposed to have done sharing time, but haven't even been to Primary, and was in no place to do it, so Dana taught it. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. At the end, Katie came an sat by me, saying that she'd gone to tell the Bishop all that I'd said, and talk about it. He told her that he won't release me right now, and handed her a talk to give me - told me to read that and he'll talk to me in the next week or so. The talk is about how to not feel overwhelmed and handing it all to Christ.

I came home and BLEW UP!! He has NO CLUE what I'm having a hard time with, and seems to just be guessing and grasping whatever he can.  After the conversation with my grandma, this was NOT what I needed! He wouldn't just come talk to me, he sent someone else to give me a talk, and assume that he knows exactly what my problem is! And fine, if he won't release me, that's his choice. But it's my choice to STOP GOING TO THIS WARD! And I'm ready to! I'm so beyond sick of him and everything about him.

You know, I guess the problem is that I'm a fine actress. Should've had a lead role in the musical. Cuz I can put out that I am fine, and be social and kind, and smile, but I'm dying inside! I'm fuming, I'm bawling, I'm a disaster. And since I put on such a good show, no one believes me. They think I'm just making it up because I don't want the calling or don't want to do whatever is being asked. Guess what? I've always done my best in all my callings. I've taken callings I didn't want to, I served a mission with the worst and hardest of companions, walked when I was dying with a kidney stone, stayed on a mission when I could've gone home. Stayed with my husband with a porn problem, even when a few bishops and councilors thought it ok to leave, and not only stayed, but continued to try and improve the relationship. I had a son with autism who threw 3 hour tantrums and I didn't hit him, or give up. I AM NOT A QUITTER!!! Okay? I am just at a point in my life where I need a break. I am down, depressed, I'm dealing with an abusive (emotionally - at least toxic) family, a ward I hate, a house I hate, I'm worried about my kids at school and all the Common Core crap and their ability to learn, we took out bankruptcy last fall, money isn't getting better, Jordan's job's been up in the air, constant critisism from my mother, a grandmother and aunt who are going apostate and recruiting me, a husband who is still struggling with his addiction, and DEPRESSION.

I really don't know what to do right now. I actually got online and found a place to move - right by Jordan's job, a beautiful house in West Haven for only $1200 a month. But to move, we'd have to break the contract with Dunkleys, lose our deposit, and find money for a deposit. Jordan won't do it, unless I completely lose it, which I'm not going to do just to get my way. If I didn't know the Dunkleys as well as I do, I'd totally do it. But I know they'd be upset, and I don't want to do that. And moving will cost so much money again. I'm willing to sell a lot of furniture to do it though! :(

Ugh. Just Ugh. And this weekend is the Willits Family Reunion in Richfield. We were supposed to go down Friday and Saturday; I totally fibbed and told my mom that Jordan had to work late on Friday. So then Grandma called and told me to come down on Saturday, and stay till Sunday. With no way to get out of that, I told Jordan last night that he is going to suddenly come down with the flu, complete with nasty diarrhea and vomiting. He smiled and said ok. He'll even put on an act if someone comes by to check on him. Sweet - got out of that one. Sad that I'm scared to go to a family reunion for fear of the apostasy recruiters.

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