Humble pie has been served a lot lately. But in so many good ways, and I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has been oh so patient with me in all my awfulness and depression. Since the last entry, so much has changed.
After that Sunday where I wanted to scream at the bishop (hanging my head in shame now), I decided that I couldn't take all the horrible feelings I was having. I went on Tuesday to West Haven to look at a house for rent; I was literally ready to get up and move out of town because of everything. We saw the house; it was too small, but we liked the idea a lot. However, Jordan and I both felt that running away wasn't the answer. Because I was down there, I went to see my friend Tammy Ault.
She was sympathetic, but basically told me that I needed to talk to both the bishop and RS president, Denise. I hate talking to people about hard things. I'm awful at it, and so much better at being passive aggressive. :(
So by Thursday night, I gave in and called to set up an appt with the Bishop - for Sunday morning. Then I texted the RS president, asked her to come over. I decided to talk about the things I was struggling with, and especially about the girls night and visiting teaching. I had some hard feelings for her, which I was ready to give up.
We talked, I told her everything I was feeling, how angry I was at the Bishop, about my depression, my grandma, everything. I cried, a lot, and she really sympathized, and apparently I misunderstood everything about the visiting teaching and girls night. I felt so relieved and like a huge burden was off my shoulders. She said that she would "put a bug in the Bishop's ear" about everything, maybe soften him up a bit about things.
Saturday night, Katie (Primary pres.) stopped by with a loaf of bread and more Mormon guilt, in the form of a letter. The letter told me how she had fasted and prayed, and never had a clearer answer as to who should be the 1st counselor (me). It made me feel awful. I cried. I told Jordan that I hadn't even prayed about whether I should take the calling, I just felt like I couldn't handle it. So, I went and prayed about it, told the Lord that if He wanted me to be there as the counselor, then I would do it. But I needed His help to do it because I was SO overwhelmed and depressed and struggling. I cried, and then just sat and listened. I really didn't feel anything - no reassurance that He would help me, nothing saying I didn't need to, nothing. I went to bed, resigned that I'd feel better in the morning.
But I didn't. I just felt blah. I cried to Jordan "Why, after I decided to have faith and accept the calling and do my best, do I feel so awful still? I'm trying to show my faith, and do what has been asked, but I just don't feel better!"
We went to meet with the Bishop, and I had a very sick pit in my stomach. He asked me to tell him what was going on; I told him everything about my family, my grandma, the depression - everything. I told him that I had decided to go forward with the calling, and have faith that I would be strengthened and able to fulfill it. It was crazy - he talked about his MIL and SIL doing the same type of thing to his daughter as Rachelle and grandma have with me - apostasy talk and all. He talked about how I needed to put myself and my family first right now, and even though I had resigned myself to do the calling, and have faith, he felt very strongly that I needed to be released and focus on my health and my family.
I was shocked, to say the least. In fact, the entire visit made me shake my head in wonder and confusion. He touched on or counselled us on several things in such a way that later, Jordan asked if I thought maybe the Bishop had bugged our house! He said everything that we needed to hear, and was so reassuring and kind and understanding - so completely opposite of everything I had expected. After he offered the release, I felt so much relief and lighter. I suddenly understood why I hadn't felt the ok to have and show more faith and do the calling. The Lord understood where I was, and what I needed, and I needed to show that I trust Him.
I came home, repenting of my blaspheming all the way. I felt so ashamed at how upset and angry I'd been. I realized a few days later that my reactions were just another evidence of how "sick" I've been, how the depression has been affecting me. The entire thing also showed me that I need to be less reactive and more trusting that the Lord knows me, knows my needs and my abilities and limits. I'm so grateful for that!
Just a week ago, I came home and found that the Bishop had left a loaf of yummy bread at the door, with a note saying that he hoped my day was great and he was thinking of me. Another bite of humble pie. :)
So...another bite came in this way: After finding out that we had to have a co-signer and a lot of money down in order to get a loan for a new van, I've felt so discouraged. Jordan's car is dying and it scares me everyday when Jordan drives to Ogden. It's old and needs to be retired. But we really can't find a way to get into something. Jordan will be getting a bonus in a few months for $7500, but that's not really enough to get into something better and have an emergency fund. And I'm not sure his car will last that long. We've been so discouraged.
Also, I've made nearly $700 lately in furniture sales and was going to get a few things to make the work easier. However, last week, I got a notice that I hadn't paid the .01 on my 100.01 bill for Rocky Mountain Power bill, thus ending the payment program and making the entire balance due by the 11th. I was sick to my stomach! A penny! Oh, I cried, I screamed, and then I stopped - and decided to pray about it, for help and understanding. After that, I was calm, discouraged, but calm, and decided to not fight them. Just pay the entire amount. There went all the money that I had made for the furniture. Gone - all to pay for the stupid huge bill from the Clinton house. Oh I was sad and discouraged. But I decided to remember my humble pie, and not scream or cry too much more.
Four days ago, on Saturday, Jordan and I went to get the mail. It had been days, and I found several envelopes from Travelers Insurance - the company of the kid that hit us last Memorial day. What we read SHOCKED us to the core. I got a settlement with the lawyer last spring, but we decided NOT to go forward with the rest of the family because they were ok. And we didn't want to keep dealing with the lawyer. :D Well, Travelers wants to close the case, so the offered us a settlement (with the agreement that we won't come back for more later) for Jordan and each of the kids. To the beautiful total of $9400!!!!! We both just sat there in shock - not believing it! We had never expected a penny from them, let alone nearly 10 grand. Monday morning I called to verify that it was real, and then screamed and did a little dance!
We've felt that we really need to use it to get us a new van. The guy in West Valley that we were trying to buy from last time told me to let him know if we were ever ready to buy. I've felt that we really need to work with him; he only gets one owner, immaculate cars to sell, and then fixes things that possibly might go bad soon, and sells them at such a great rate. People are raving about him and he has a lot of repeat customers. I messaged him last night about if he had anything in that price range; unfortunately, he didn't.
This afternoon I was car shopping on KSL again, and found a great Honda Odyssey van for sale at a great price; I texted the guy, and realized that it was the same one from last night that said he didn't have anything. I was confused! He texted back and said that it was pending sold - the people had until 5:00 tonight to finish the sale; he'd let me know, but don't count on it falling through.
At 5:30, he texted me to say that the people couldn't come up with the money, so it was still available! He said to me "This NEVER happens! Your prayers have been answered!" I cannot believe it, except that the Lord really seems to be trying to tell me to listen, and TRUST him, and stop reacting so fast. We are going to see it tomorrow! I cannot begin to say how grateful and blessed I feel right now! God is good, and I know He is helping us in so many ways.